Monday, December 15, 2008

pack your metaphorical bags non-euphemistically!

Blogspot is the dumbest for trying to podcast.

Visit the new in lieu.

I promise it will make more noise than here.

of beauty, but that loses to the darkness

The light bulb
in the bathroom sparked
out again.

Our bathroom
is beautiful,
in its way. Its
outline sticks to me
even now in the dark: those water lines
on shower curtains, the faint
smell of their mildew, the dried bit of soap
waxed at the end of the hand soap dispenser,
the partly unraveled spool of toilet paper.

Here is housed
at least some obscured
of beauty, but that loses to the darkness
at the loss of a light bulb.

Yet, I believe.
A simple screwing fix will fix it.

After, I will again (easily and without hallway light)
prop up the toilet seat without inadvertently
touching the spots where pee
has splashed and dried. Then I remember.
At the very least
a week will pass without me
replacing what has burned out.
My hands will surely touch dried pee in that time.

Oh, the sickness inside of me!

Friends, do not despair.
In the inevitable interim of darkness
I will wash my hands often of their
foul mishaps.

When the hand soap runs
out, though, I will not replenish it
for also a week or two.

Oh, the sickness that is inside of me!

Yet, friends, there is salvation
in the kitchen soap.
Then once the kitchen soap
has failed I will get trendy
and deny our deep American germ
That in turn will turn
its course and disappoint me for its lack of permanent
Godliness. Then on and on. If I were a fisherman
I would be fishing
all day and never
catching fish.
I will come back exhausted (with Jesus frying smoky fish on the sand)
to my need
for a bathroom light, and I will understand
that even bathroom lights (God forbid it!) are temporary
gadgets we screw around with for only a time, here,

where the beauty is always obscure.

No, friends, the bathrooms we
are destined for…
oh, if you could only see
them! Nothing dimmed,
nothing blurred, no need
for the temporal strife of
and screwing.
Soon will be a not
yet bathroom and we shall
dispel with every cursory box of small strike matches
with their small flames of dis-flagellating hell.

Imagine it, all our shit
and no foul smell.

Friday, December 05, 2008

notations for remembering if nothing else

Some weeks ago Los Angeles caught fire. The television showed houses that people lived in burnt or burning, houses of flame. The sky turned ash gray. Ash coated the hoods of cars.

Today I have discovered wonderful music. Too much of it to gesture towards more than just three instances here.

The kitchen I began to paint back when I was young and idealistic, enough so to think that I would finish painting it before I was not so young and idealistic, is nearly primed completely. It's easier to become jaded than to scrape away years of paint. From the looks of things, all the years before me were painted with the same inexplicable reasoning that eventually lead to the banana yellow I first found here.

Piles of books and unfiled papers sit on the floor of the apartment. But they are nice piles recently.

From The Brothers Karamazov: "What's shame for the mind is beauty all over for the heart. Can there be beauty in Sodom? Believe me, for the vast majority of people, that's just where beauty lies--did you know that secret? The terrible thing is that beauty is not only fearful but also mysterious. Here the devil is struggling with God, and the battlefield is the human heart." This was a man's way of understanding that he might be capable of being saved, and conversely that he might be capable of giving himself entirely over to sensuality and death. Neither extreme seems attainable, but he then realizes beauty to be the hinge on which the door opens both ways.

I probably would have interwoven all these strands six months ago. Today I weave less when I write and I tell fewer jokes.

Several days back I was standing in an apartment in Venice listening to a middle aged Indian couple describe to me their frustrations with the other. It was complicated. It involved car repairs, and of course countless years of subtly refusing to give the other any sense of intimacy. The apartment was small. A small couch and desk in the living room. A large screen television against one wall. Piles of things. Over the couch, on the wall were two framed pictures. One picture was of a Hindu Temple at some great praying moment during the day, with a sea of bowed bodies, kneeling with their faces to the ground. The other picture was a still frame from a romantic scene in the movie, Titanic. This picture was twice the size of the other. Leonardo di'Caprio stands behind Kate Blanchet with his hands around her, both of them looking out past the camera, standing on the bow of the ship with the wind blowing in her hair. They both looked like they were performing for a movie. They should not have been up on that wall. I wanted to ask these people about it. I wanted to take it down. I decided to believe that the picture was already on the wall when the Indian couple first moved in. It was easier to explain leaving it there, even if for years, than anyone hanging it on the wall themselves.